we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
