Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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