its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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