Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
