I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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