Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
