I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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