I can text with my tongue
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
