Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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