Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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