I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
