i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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