All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
