Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
