two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
