i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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