just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
