I think I won the penis lottery.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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