I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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