I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
