i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
