I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
