There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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