I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
When are your genitals available?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
