Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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