Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
