He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
home. puking in laundry basket.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
