Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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