a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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