i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
