apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
don't judge my taste in strippers
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize