Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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