So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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