so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
