Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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