You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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