i already hear my dad disowning me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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