Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize