You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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