i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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