He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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