I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
