Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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