Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
