i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am one with the molecules
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
