Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
