Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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