she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
