I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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