you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
