not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
