Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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