I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
