I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
operation have a gay friend backfired
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
